Dread and Superstition

This is the day I've been dreading for 15yrs.

I know that sounds dramatic,  but it's true. 

Below is our eldest son.  17yrs old and ridiculously wonderful!

Below him is my brother,  also 17yrs old, funny,   charismatic,  engaging, and already running his own business!  

Today is his home-going anniversary.

Our baby was 2yrs old when my sister called and told us about my brother's accident.  

I remember agonizing with the rest of our family,  the grief so heavy,  so sharp you wished it would crush you. That moment every morning when you first wake up and the memory is fresh again, you pick up that pain and wear it like a lead coat, weighing you down, making every minute agony. 

As I grieved with my parents,  cooked their meals,  doing everything I could to try to bear some their weight, I would look at our oldest boy,  and thank God for him.  But also in the back of my mind,  the fear began to take root. 

🌰🌱🌳

This morning,  on this day of remembering,  I did the math, as my bagel toasted. 

🎂Our boy and my brother had birthdays very close. 

🛣They would be driving the same road tonight, at the same time of night, returning from a church gathering.

I tried to talk myself out of it.  

💭This is not a healthy line of thought.

However,  try as I might,  my mind had to follow it through.

After I did the math though,  I realized that the 17yrs, 7mo and some odd days was LAST MONTH for our oldest,  for 15yrs I was dreading the day when our boy was the same age and living in the same place,  driving the same road.... and it had come and gone.  

I know that it's superstitious,  but for some reason it made me feel a little better.

  

I was telling my husband all this at lunch today,  and then out of the blue,  with no prompting on my part at all, he told our boy, "I think I'll drive in with you tonight to church." 

I walked ahead of them in Wal-Mart to hide my tears. 

Tears of gratitude for a husband who knew what I needed and stepped in to fill that gap.

Tonight I'm grateful,  

not because of the superstitions,  but for the understanding and the sensitivity of a husband/daddy who loves

us well.