Another day in court

I've looked and looked through my pictures, hoping there was another one of Baby K that I could share here. :-( 

There isn't.  

But for those of you that prayed for me today, I wanted you to know what kind of day you prayed me through. 

Woke up early this morning. Didn't write down what time I needed to be in court, so I figured better early than late. Got dressed, grabbed a granola bar and headed out. 

Met our lawyer in the lobby.  She said, "You nervous?" I said, "Mostly just nervous that K will be here, I haven't seen her in three weeks and I'm worried ill burst into tears!"  We got in the elevator and she assured me that it would be inappropriate to bring her, so not to worry."  As soon as we got off the elevator I knew she was there. My baby, making her cute little baby noises. My lawyer stepped closer to me, being an emotional crutch just in case I collapsed. 

K was in her stroller, happy, chatting away. Looked up as we got closer and waved, we waved back but she didn't seem to recognize me.  My lawyer put her arm around me, and offered to wait in the courtroom away from the sweet cooing blonde. 

After 30-40 minutes of waiting for our number to be called it was finally our turn. We listened to the status reports. Mom was a no-show. Dad had missed his drug screen. The GAL had been to the house once in the last three weeks, and "all the baby's needs are being met, and I have no concerns for her well being."  That was her status report. Cold. Clinical. When it came time for our bit the judge said, "I won't be ruling on your petition to intervene today."  And that was it.  We were done. So we headed back to the foyer.  The grandma approached me, baby K in the little fold up stroller. "I don't know how to respond to you in text, we want you to be around, but we have to wait for the court case to be over."  

*side note,  this could literally be 5-6yrs!!! Until then what?!?

Then she said, "Would you like to hold her?"  I stuttered something about not wanting to upset her... The grandma said, "Lets just see what she wants." She reached down to unbuckle her, I knelt in front of her, unable to breathe, she's so close!!!!!! She literally leapt into my arms!!! Tucked her arms in under her body and said, "Mommy!!!!" Oh it was a wonderful heart breaking, exquisite moment.  It was over all too soon, they were ready to circle their wagons and head home.  I tried to hand her back, she grabbed me hard and said, "Mommy, bye bye!"  A few more frantic kisses, a little blonde curl between my fingers and I was passing her to her grandpa.  I turned and practically ran, you could hear her calling for me and crying all the way down the hall.   I sobbed all the way to the lobby. Talked to my lawyer more about the legal details and escaped to the car, but not quick enough because she caught sight of me once more, and I heard her cry. 

There are no words for this sharp emptiness.   I know The Lord keeps all our tears in a bottle, but I'm tellin ya, He was working overtime today. 

Lord God, 

I know you have a plan for baby K, I know that this last year was no mistake, and that you are in control!  I believe Lord!  Help my unbelief. 

Thank you Jesus for understanding the groanings of my broken heart! 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. Your mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness!